Thank you Katherine Bray-Strickland

"I dreamed a dream with you
and it was an amazing dream
while it lasted"
(Paraphrased from the movie First Knight)

You took a lot from me when you left, but you gave me so much more while you were here. How silly, how foolish I have been to focus so much for so long on what I have lost and spend such little time thinking of what I was given. You gave me a living dream. I have experienced more love thus far in my short life than some get to in a full lifetime.

Angel you made me and still now as I live threw the month that marks my going back to having lived less days knowing you than not, I can say that you are still the only person who has ever been a necessity in my life. I am anything and everything I am because of you. And I know that no matter what this life without you brings I will be fine, no I will be good, because I am the man that you made me. And because wherever I go, I take you with me in the memories I have lived and the goals that I hope to.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!  For all that I am and all I may ever be, Thank you!

So for those who want to know what an exercise in mixed feelings would look like, I give you my month of June…


1. Just went to my good friends Sean and Mandy’s beautiful wedding (thanks and congrats guys). It was fabulous, but with the obvious personal anxieties as well as the fact that their pastor also officiated Kate and my wedding.

2. In around a week I go on the family beach trip. Always an awesome time, but it’s the same beach I proposed to Kate on.

3. I accepted an offer on the house Kate and I lived in so that I could move. The buyers closing date (thus the day I move out of our house), is June 28th, what would be Kate and my 2nd year wedding anniversary.

One evening's drunk ramblings.

I want it back.
I want when I was your first kiss. I want when I was your last. I want when we first met. I want when we met again. I want when I lost my wallet, I want when you lost control. I want when you wrote me the warning of what I was getting myself into. i want the big matza ball, I want when I moved in, I want that prom to do over, I want that phone call. I want the long distance relationship we both thought we would be so bad at. I want the evening of confusion, I want the evening I cut your hair. I want that snow day, I want that weekend in New Bern. I want that horrible golf swing, I want that trip to overton’s. I want our failed camping trip to the cabin, I want walking you back home. I want talking to you about meetze and amara even, I want talking about kara. I want driving you to boston, I want hearing that we don’t have much longer. I want it back! I want you randomly mentioning pickles, I want you playing with sam. I want you going with me to sean and mady’s wedding. I want to stop wanting! I want you to yell at me for being so unkind to woodrow and not eating as I should. I want you to tell me you see great things in me. I want .. you!

I don’t know me without you. I don’t know what I want to do, what I want to be, to achieve. I don’t know what I am good at, were i am wanted, where I belong, where I fit in. I don’t know who is friend, who is foe, who is true, who is trying. Love, I am lost. I am confused. I am sorry. I am sooo sorry.  I have tried so hard to hold my head and my baring without you. You were so much of who I was, but have lost now.

How am I to find me, without you? How am I to find comfort without you to make it home? I thought I was close to it.  I thought i was getting close, so soo close.  One evenings drunk ramblings huh…

I will keep that promise.

If only more things got lost in the mail.

Yesterday I received only two pieces of mail. Both were for Kate. The first was from her doctor’s office, which for those who don’t know is also her office, and the people who work there, her colleagues. It was an appointment reminder. The second was a card from the oncology department at Duke hospital that helped guide her treatment for four+ years. That one was an invitation to a cancer survivors celebration.


Pay attention when you put things in the mail, they’ll likely get to where they’re going.

errrrgggg

Apparently some people aren’t paying attention and got spooked that my last post meant I was suicidal or something. I am going to continue to use this space for what I want when I want, but for now this post is for them.


1. Read the title (and subtitle) of the blog…

2. You know what the last promise Kate asked of me was! The last post explicitly said “I will keep that promise.” For those who don’t know. It was “promise me you will be happy.” my view of the world says someone can’t have an emotion if they are dead...

3. Are you fracking kidding me! Do you know me at all what so ever?

4. I don’t really have anything else to say so I will let the immortal words of our 20th century philosophers speak for me.

“I’m alright, nobody worry bout me” “I’ll be just fine.”
               Kenny Loggins                       The Used                           
 “There’s some hard times in the neighborhood,” but
                Travis Tritt                                                                      
 “Every heart has to hurt sometimes.” “N dey say”
                  Alicia Elliot                           Nelly
“If you’re going through hell, keep on going.” “But don’t worry
                   Rodney Atkins                                    
about a thing, cause every little thing is going to be alright.” 
                   Bob Marley                                              
“I may crack, but I’ll never shatter” “and I might bend, but I won’t break.”
              Meredith Brooks                             New Found Glory

I could go on all night, but I think ya get the picture.

More than I can hold in (plus an update).

Do you know what was taken from me?! Do you know what I do not have, what I am not getting right now?!

Do you have a best friend? Do you have a significant other? Do you have a living conscience ? A true North? Do have a past or future? Do you have someone to share a bed with? Do you have a lover? A secret keeper? A driving force? Do you have a better half? Do you have an anchor? Do you have unconditional support? Do you have a purpose? Do you know the person you are supposed to grow old with? I did and I don’t and I am pissed!

I want to yell at those who I know can stand it and scream at those who can’t! I want push till I’m exhausted and drink until I faint! I want to tell long held secrets and watch as bridges burn!! I want to run till I see no safe harbor and build a shelter with bare hands!! I want to stop having horrible thoughts about happy people! I want to make out with a stranger and stand for hours in the rain! I want to follow her.

She taught me how to live and then left, taking all that she was with her. Leaving me with one last promise to keep. A promise that gets harder every day. I will keep that promise love.

Breath. Deep breaths. ……………………………………………….



ok

Now for an update. The house is getting a lot of work done on it trying to get things done so that a buyers inspector won’t have too much to gripe about. The good news is that we have running water and they are done with the early morning hammer banging. The driveway should be fixed with the next two days and the pile of trash from their jobs to date should be gone tomorrow.

Job market is still horrible, but am sending off resumes etc. daily and something will work out. I have started a workout program “Insanity” which also comes with a dietary program so I am eating better and doing things to keep the body working. Less interested in the “program” part of it (the get cut in 60 days kinda thing) but really like the push yourself atmosphere and the pay attention to what you are taking in (food wise)etc.  Its festival season in the area and Farmville’s dogwood festival is next (this coming weekend). I’m obviously dateless for that event, so if anyone is planning on attending…

I am told I am in the anger stage of this whole thing (go figure) which I have also been told is good. Good movies recently…Bringing up Baby, The Philadelphia Story, The Proposal.

That’s all I got for now.

Im Sorry

To my parents who are doing a wonderful job, but know there is little anyone can do. I want to leave and you know it. It is not because of you guys and it’s not for missing Kate. I have wanted out of this area for a while now. It hurt being here when Kate was here, but now there is nothing to sooth the desire to leave. I don’t like who I am when I am here. It is too comfortable. It is a place of good enough. It is a place where I know I could just get by and if I stay I know I will get by. I want out of that trap. But I am stuck here due to the house and lack of work elsewhere. Thus each day life gets more and more comfortable and thus difficult to bare. I fear you don’t understand this about my anger, I fear I upset you and make you feel sad. I am sorry.


To those nice people all over who are reaching out to be nice to me, I just don’t know how to understand wanting to connect and start/base a friendship around such a tragic event. I know you just want to get to know me, but I don’t yet know myself. I know me finding myself through pain, is that who you want to friend? Is that who you want to know? Perhaps you just want to help. The feeling of repairing a bird’s wing is a great feeling, but you can’t fix this. Perhaps you want to observe the wreckage. Everyone slows down and looks at the remains of a car on the side of the road, but I will not show you that which is broken. You are very kind, but I can’t quite understand you and your wish to connect right now. It will take time to call some of you friend. I am sorry.

To Woodrow (the dog) who is dealing with the loss of one and a half pack mates. You not only lost a Kate, but also lost a good deal of my attention and care for companionship. I often feel you should be glad to have a roof over head, a large back yard, and food and water, but not even a dog could sustain on those alone. I am hoping to move soon too. You may not get a nice yard, you may not get a room that is just yours, I may not ever get back the same desire to have you around as I once had. This hurts me because I know she loved you, and would want me to keep you happy. I am sorry.

To me, oh I take such shitty care of you don’t I. You know that I am working on it though yea? I just need to fracking live more. But know that it is hard to take the time to do that with needing to get so much work done on the house and needing to find a job. These are excuses and you know it, but they are at least very good ones. I am trying hard to get you a new life. I am trying to find what matters to you now, what you want form life, but you got to help me, you got to be patient and honest I will try to read ya better. I am sorry.

To Kate, I’m sorry I can’t be happy just yet, working on it. Thank you for everything.

Baby Steps

So I am a little over a month into this new life now. Feel a great deal like an infant in many ways. I first had to learn how to hold my head up straight, then how to walk again, and now onto how to orient myself. I compare this to the point in development where one begins to realize that “there is a big world in which I somehow and for some reason exist” (ok so perhaps this is a bit above infant level) and then decides what to do with that knowledge.

At this point the infant analogy gets in the way, so yea drop that. I still have things left around from the last life, to deal with, before I can move much further with the next one. Of course the mental stuff, but that won’t leave and I would never want it to anyway (memories are painful, but thank God for the memories). Outside of that though there are some major things to tackle. First of which is this house, which needs to sell and thus I will now shamelessly plug it on this site. Nice house, great small town, short walk to great restaurants, community theatre, golf course, and just minutes from Greenville. Don’t you just want to buy it now…? Sorry, had to do it, but done with that now. Side note: It just showed for the first time, Woooot!!!!

Selling the “old place” would then lead to second major issue which is finding “new place.” I am going to move, away. I made it no secret to Kate that I didn’t really like moving back to the area after grad. school, but as she was here… Then the C word came around and kind of made moving away for her residency a bit of a bad idea, so… But now I get to leave and so I am going to. Don’t worry, not moving too far. I still want to be close to the parentals and to the plot of land I now own in Pinewood Memorial Park (cemetery). I am currently looking at a radius that starts as far away as Raleigh (one hour) and ends no further north than Connecticut, no further west than central Tennessee, and no further south than northern Florida (10 hours away). Connections to Amtrak could extend that radius a bit. Otherwise, anything within that radius is fair game. So how to choose…That is where we come to issue three. Now that the caretaker and house husband bit fell through, I need a job. So I am applying to everything I care to within that radius. Unless I change my mind, the first place to hire me gets me.

Then I think I will be able to really start living what’s left. Until then I am still a bit chained to the past. Which I don’t mind. I do kind of like this house and being able to go over to my parents house when things get a bit too much has been very helpful. I know the place too well though and people, like plants, always need to find new unknown soil to grow. Ok horrible analogy, but I think you can follow it. And now as I am running out of things to say, I will fall back on one of the oldest trick in the (blogger) book, more baby photos…

On my first life and looking to the next.

I am truly blessed. In my life I have been given blessing after blessing. First my wonderful parents, who gave me an ever stable home to grow up in and all the love and support one could ever need.

Also a big sister, who has stomached well, a brother just as stubborn as she. The whole while being a great example in almost every way. Seen here with her son Sam (sorry Clay, you know people like the babies better than the husband’s yea…).

As well as great friends, too many to count and too amazing to qualify. And apparently too many to find pictures of….?

And then a funny thing happened on the way home for Easter in 2005. After hanging out again for the first time in years, I fell in love with my high school best friend, Kati Bray, and made what was a very good into an absolutely amazing relationship. (seen here in a really bad scan of a photo from early in our relationship).

A few months later we found out Kate had cancer. To make a long and fun story short and boring. We spent the next four years going to doctors, getting married, traveling the hemisphere, and falling deeper and deeper in love with each other.

I had been given yet another amazing gift. In February of 09 it was almost all taken away, when I was saved from a crash that could have easily ended it all. Log truck beats jeep every time, case you were wondering.

When kate and I had first started dating, I had felt there was a guiding hand leading our actions, making sure we were going to be together. When I got out of the hospital I felt I finally knew why. I spent the next year living as close to Kate as I could knowing we would not have very long. She was everything to me and what she wanted most was to be a doctor so I lived the life of a house husband and caretaker, hoping to give her what she needed, to be able to enjoy doing just that. A year, almost to the day, after my accident, Kate passed away.

That was my first life. An amazing life, blessed beyond comprehension. Few people get any of gifts I have been given. From my family and friends, to a deep love and rewarding marriage, to the chance to give oneself to their amazing spouse. I can ask for nothing more. So as I look to a new life without Kate I am so thankful for the blessings I still have. And am only beginning to understand the gifts she, her life, and her love gave me. So let’s see what we got left… just perhaps a little less tragic this time around yea….? Hope future posts won’t be as …….. as this one was.